Love is love, but unfortunately, not all relationships are healthy or safe. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer and/or transgender (LGBTQ+) folks experience domestic violence at equal or higher rates as heterosexual cisgender people. If you are concerned about a LGBTQ+ friend or family member who may be in an abusive relationship, here are a few ways that you can support them.
Listen and provide nonjudgmental support.
Let them know that you care about them and are willing to listen, but don’t force them to talk if they aren’t ready. When they are ready to confide in you, be a nonjudgmental listener. They may feel responsible and ashamed about their situation. Remind them that no one deserves to be abused, and there is no excuse for abuse.
Educate yourself.
Educate yourself on how you can support the LGBTQ+ community if you are a heterosexual cisgender person, and learn more about the dynamics of domestic violence and the additional challenges that LGBTQ+ survivors face in seeking help. Understand that abuse comes in many forms (such as physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, and financial abuse); furthermore, in LGBTQ+ abusive relationships, an abusive partner can use homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism as an abusive tactic (such as threatening to “out” their partner if they try to seek help).
Be aware that you may have your own biases around gender and sexuality. Make sure to use your friend or family member’s correct gender pronouns during the conversation; if you are not sure, ask!
Help them create a safety plan.
It’s a good idea for someone experiencing abuse to keep money, important documents, a change of clothes, and an extra set of keys in a safe place, such as at a friend or neighbor’s house. For more information about safety planning in general, go to WIT’s Safety Planning page.
Be supportive and patient.
Respect their decisions. There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. They may leave and return to the relationship many times, and they will need your support even more during those times. Do not criticize their decisions or try to guilt them with “should” or “If I were you, I would…” statements.
Encourage them to reach out to local domestic violence and LGBTQ+ resources.
Familiarize yourself with local domestic violence organizations and hotlines (such as by contacting WIT’s LifeLine at 215.751.1111) and LGBTQ+ services and share these resources with the survivor.
Local LGBTQ+ organizations, support centers and social groups may feel unsafe for the survivor if they know that their abusive partner is also connected to these groups; in that case, encourage them to reach out to resources specifically for LGBTQ+ survivors of domestic violence, such as The Network/La Red’s 24-hour LGBTQ Domestic Violence Hotline.
Be an advocate for LGBTQ+ rights and equality.
Challenge heteronormative and homophobic attitudes when you encounter them. Support policies that protect LGBTQ+ individuals in all aspects of their lives (at school, in the workplace, at home and out in the world).