[Editor’s Note: For Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we’re sharing resources about consent, coercion, and healthy relationships.]
Embrace the Awkward :-)
Ways To Start A Conversation
We can start conversations in person or via phone/text/email/carrier pigeon. Some people find it easier to have this conversation if folk’s bodies are in different locations because hormones don’t get in the way of having an actual discussion.
Things we might want to talk about:
STI testing
Safer sex/barriers
Disclosure of STIs
Boundaries
Language
Openers
“Hey, so, it seems like we are both interested in getting down, so I wanted to bring up sexual safety.”
“How do you like to have safer sex?”
STI Testing/Safer Sex/Barriers
“I get tested regularly every 6 months and use barriers with the people I have sex with. What do you do to keep yourself safe?”
STI Disclosures
If you have an STI to disclose, you can add it into what you tell people without making it a separate issue if that feels more comfortable for you. If you treat it as no big thing, it’s more likely other people will do that too.
“I use condoms during all penetration, do not use hormonal birth control, and do not engage in oral/genital contact when I’m having a herpes outbreak. What about you?
REMEMBER: If someone gets nasty or tries to make you feel bad because you test positive for an STI, that says a lot about them as a person and nothing about you. Having an STI doesn’t make you bad, dirty or irresponsible. Being a judgmental jerk is how people flag themselves as not worth your time.
Boundaries/Language
Boundaries are limits we place around how we want to be treated, talked to, touched, etc. We get to choose how we want our body parts referred to, what pet names we are comfortable being called, and what activities we want to engage in.
If we don’t want to do a particular activity, but still want to get down with the other person, redirecting them to what we would like can keep the energy flowing.
“I’m not interested in going all the way, but I’d love to make out and play above the waist or grind with our clothes on.”
“I love the word pussy. How do you like to talk about your body?”
“Hickies are fun, but none where you can see them with my clothes on. Ok?”
“Do you prefer, ‘May I touch your _____?’ or ‘I want to touch your ______?”
“How, in the moment, can I ask you about or for something that doesn’t make you uncomfortable or feel like we’ve lost our flow?”
Things To Keep In Mind
If your potential partner isn’t adult enough to have an honest conversation about what you both want and how to do it safely, maybe they aren’t ready to have sex with you.
If someone says they are going to be respectful of your needs around testing and barriers, but then doesn’t follow through, that says that they aren’t interested in being a safe and respectful partner. Anyone ignoring your boundaries or hoping they can convince you to move them doesn’t have your best interests in mind.
Having an STI isn’t the end of your sex life! There are plenty of people who will accept your disclosure and still want to get sexy with your awesome self. Judgement says everything about them and nothing about who you are as a person.